Witnessing Her Own Painful Memories with Detachment
I am 59. I have had a migraine since I was in my mid-twenties (poetic license!). Seventeen years ago I was diagnosed with the prelude to what has now evolved into Lupus. I have had this condition for 5 years - suffering stuff that I wrongly attributed to God knows what - until a major flare-up this year resulted in the diagnosis.
This year I have had one flare-up after another. I control one with steroids - get over it - another comes. I have been working with all kinds of techniques/therapies on my own (have a background in psychology) and then I hit the jackpot: relaxation, emotional protection, visualization.
I have moved 2000 k/metres from everyone I know…. have walked away from the environment in which I spent the whole of my damaged life as an abused child-person and the dreadful vortex of endless traps - psychological, spiritual and worst of all, that ever-vigilant physiological state…. Yep, a life on alert.
Over recent weeks I have started to feel that cellular activity starting, as Christmas came at me. For many months I seem to have been helpless against the flooding of memories that whirl through my mind and dreams like a movie theatre that never closes…. memories so long forgotten, of incidents that kept me in that constant state of alert without let-up, for all these years.
I started practising being very still and quiet, anywhere and everywhere. I started to be an observer of these memories without emotional attachment. I invented a visualization: I sit on a railway station platform and quietly watch a train go by. It is filled, carriage by carriage, with whoever and whatever from my life. I simply watch.
The story is long so I'll bring it to a close. As a result - for the first time in my life, I am, bit by bit, shedding the hooks that I have carried in me, joined to all these others by their chain or rope or line. For the first time in my life I have taken action to protect myself from the stimulus that will get that anxiety stirring deep inside. For the first Christmas that I can remember, i have felt something I think is moving toward peace and contentment.
I would like to work more on getting to the very cells of my body and soothing them - assuring them that there is nothing more to fight - I wonder whether this is possible?
[Ed. Note: Yes, it is.]